When I get up it is lunch time the next day. So I only slept like oh eighteen hours maybe. I sit up in my bed, and everything hurts. I am so swore, I need to move around I can't stay in my bed. I move towards my door. I get a really bad felling like, something terrable is going to happen soon. I don't normally fell like this. I mumble to myself, “Fuck what is going to happen to day”, I probably just jinxed it, but what the hell life here sucks anyway not much could make it much worse. I open my door, and start walking down the long hallway that leads to the main room, or the area we call the white room, but the orderlies and doctors call it the recreational room. This is where all the “fun” happens. I walk up to the front desk with all the nurses behind it. My favorite nurse is working today Gwenith. She is always really nice to me along with her husband Jonathan who's here today as well. They are so sweet, I wish I had that,well I do but only in my dreams.
When I walk up Gwenith has the biggest smile on her face, "Hello Ann, and how are you on this fine spring day."
I smile back, " I'm okay kind of stiff, and a little tired, but all in all today is a good day." I try not to lie to her. She is always so sweet to me, but what I said is not all a lie right. I look behind her and see the big stack of papers she has behind her that need to be filed. I smile at her " So Gwenith, you know why I am up here. Is it okay if I look at them today?" I smiled really big because she know what I am talking about, my privet for doctors eyes only paper work. The notes of my therapy sessions, my med charts, my basic information. I love looking at it so I know what people really think about me. She frowns at me and shakes her head.
"Now Ann you know I cannot show you that. We could both get into really big truble." I smile really big hoping it will get her to do it.
"Oh please Gwenith pretty pleas, just a little peak. No one will have to know, it can be our little secret." She looks around to see if anyone is watching, them she hands me my file. I knew the whole our little secret thing would work it always does. She is too sweet for her own good, but that is when Jonathan loves her, and I guess me to. I wish my mom was more like her. I go find a privet place to sit then I open up my file to take a look.
Patient: Ann Rose Night
Diagnoses: Schizophrenia ,Depression, Thoughts of self harm, and Attempted Suicide.
Notes: Ann Has shown no more signs of cutting. She still sees "Him" and is very afraid of Him. She still will not go any further with hypnoses after the last few times of night tares and Schizophrenia flare ups. I am upping her dosage of Chlorpromazine to 500mg. I am still very interested in know who Him is since that is the only thing she refers to him as. I think she is holding something back from me, and I would like to know why and what. (see tape 89 for further information.)
God I want to hear those tapes. Only if I could get my hands on then I know I never could though. If you could have guessed by now I am Ann Rose Night. Everyone here called me Ann or Anny. I prefer just Ann though, it's more simple. I live in the Saint Mary Home for the Mentally Insane. Also know as hell on earth, this place SUCKS I hate it here. Honestly I think everyone here does, except for the people that don't know where they are, they don't really care. I have lived here for 5 God damn years. My mom walked in one me talking to the walls and cutting. She flipped out , and I told her I was only doing it because the angel with the black wings told me to. Oh yah and I see Angels what I fun life I have right. Well now I am here, thanks mom for the major trust issues I have now. So since then I have been here, I grew up here. Fun right it is every kid's dream to grow up in a mental hospital. My mom and dad did come see me on my birthdays, but they stopped when I trended 13. Too much effort to see me, and this places gives them the creeps, but it is totally okay for me to be here. That seems a little back words to me, but that would I know I'm crazy right. My sister stopped coming to she thought I would rub off my crazy on here. So I am really just alone here. Except for my angel, he comes to me every night in my dreams. Well that did sounds crazy, but I swear it is true. He has been here for me through everything, when I first got here, when I cried, on birthdays, Christmases. He is the only person who has never left me. I love him, only if I could see him when I am awake. I would love for him to be here we could hold hands and tell one another how much we love each other and how we will never leave no matter what.
I realize how long I have been sitting here with my folder so I get back up and walk back to where Gwenith is and slide it back to her. She smiles at me and whispers.
"Thank you." I node back and smile. Then I turn and walk away. I head in the direction of the doors that lead to the outside garden. I love the grader not only because I helped plant it, but because I just love the flowers. I also love how peace full it is out here. I lay down on one of the benches and just look at the sky. It is a perfect crystal clear blue, there is not a cloud in sight. It is so warm outside, not like beating sun hot more like warm spring day with a nice breeze. I love the fresh air, it is so good for you I don't know why anyone would not like it. I just lay and look at the sky, and try to get every thought out of my head. It is really not that hard to do, but the two things I could never get out of my head are my angel, and him. Other then that I don't really think of much. I think I must have dosed off, because when I opened my eyes the sun was starting to set, and one of the orderlies was looking for me.
"Ann! Ann where are you?! You need to come back inside now." I sit up and look over the bush that is in front of me and I see Jonathan. It was kind of funny to see him walking around like a lost puppy dog.
"Hey Jonathon, I am over hear. Sorry I must have fallen asleep." I get up off the bunch and walk over to him. He looks and me and rowels his eyes, but he could not hide the smile he had. Him and his wife are like my parents in here. They take care of me, not just like give me meds or watch me. They really take care of me. They hang out with me, when I'm sad they make me laugh. They are good people, I hope they have a long happy life.
When we get inside I see it... THE LINE. The line of people waiting to take their meds. I hate this time of day. I really don't like my meds. I get in line because it causes a lot less problems if I just get in line. No one said I was going to take them. They go down the list of names, then I hear,
"Ann Night, come get your night medications." They have to read to me everything I am taking and how much of it. I hate standing here listing to how many meds I have to take because I am that fucked up.
"Ann Night you are taking Antidepressants at 100 mg, Antisicodics at 10 mg, and Chlorpromazine at 500mg." That is not as much as normal I guess they took me off a few of my meds. Which is surprising for this place normally they don't take you off they just add more to the ones you are normally taking.
I'm not going to make a big deal about it the less meds I have to take the more I feel normal.
“Ann, darling are you listing to me. You have to take these.” I come back to reality, and I heard have to take these. I take the medication from her as long as i am carfull I can just cheek them and no one can tell. Its not to hard you just have to know what you are doing, and I know what I'm doing.
When I get back to my room I spit them out. They leave this offal taste in my mouth. It is just something I have to live with I guess. What I take is not worth anything, but there are some people in here that trade or even sell there medications. I don't have the good stuff so I can't do that, but man do I wish I could. I hop on to my bed and lay down, it gets so quiet in here at night. Everyone bunks with someone, but me I have never had a room mate for a wile I wish I did, but now I love the quiet it comforts me in a way. I start to fall a sleep, and I can't wait to fall asleep just so I can see my angel. If tonight goes as I hope it will, I will get to find a way to be with him forever. I want that more then anything in this world. I know he is the one that can tak me away from here. Away from all the descusting and evil things this place has to offer. They think I need to be cured but there is nothing wrong with me. There is a knock at my door, probably just them checking to see if everyone is in there rooms.
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